Shauna’s Story

Shauna is just 15, and has had Bell’s palsy twice. Here she describes how she has now remembered how to smile.

Beginning a new chapter in your life is always a good experience. At 13, just starting secondary school in my first year, I absolutely loved it. Now settled, I had gone away with my friends on a group trip.

I had complained to my mam of having an awful pain behind my ear and a headache before going on the trip. We narrowed it down to a headache and I took paracetamol before I left and put some in my overnight bag. I went on the trip and that night I still complained of a headache. I remember ringing home asking where she had put the paracetamol in my bag. I took the paracetamol but to no avail, the pain didn’t go away.

I woke up the next morning happy, the pain was slightly gone. I returned home that evening talked with my parents before falling asleep tired from my trip and waking up the next morning.

“Have you got a toothache Shauna?” I remember my mam asking and in complete utter confusion I replied “no” shrugging off the question. The day proceeded until we were sat around the table and she asked again “Do you have a toothache?” I replied “no” once again and then she told me to do the one thing that would make anyone confused, “Smile”.

We rushed to the hospital wondering how half of my face had suddenly stopped working; questioning myself of why I looked like I had just had a stroke. My brain was going into overdrive wondering what was happening. We were rushed through the hospital and told I had Bell’s palsy. To say I was confused was an understatement. How could I have been fine one minute and then the next half of my face has stopped working?

I was prescribed steroids and ordered to wear an eye patch, to take eye drops for my left eye which wouldn’t close. I went back for checkups and felt optimistic about getting better. My smile returned almost back to normal in the matter of a few weeks and I finally felt like I was going back to my old self again.

Until October 2015, now at age 15 I was completely back to my bubbly self but every once and a while still conscious and worried about Bell’s when smiling at myself in the mirror. I remember on the 12th doing the exact same thing, at this stage it had become an old routine. The day previous I began experiencing the pains behind my ear that I had experienced the first time so you could say I was on high alert. I remember brushing my teeth and wondering all of a sudden how the toothpaste wasn’t staying in my mouth. I remember vividly staring at myself in the mirror and smiling and then breaking down. Running into my mam sobbing all I could say was “it’s back” leaving her in confusion. “The Bell’s palsy” I went on to explain “look at my face mam it’s back again”. She said she couldn’t see anything until she stared at me intensely too, before confirming I was right.

Rushing out of my home at 11 o’ clock at night, going on the public bus keeping a complete emotionless face we rushed to the hospital. My Bell’s palsy had indeed come back. A repeat of the first time I was prescribed steroids, and told to do all the things I had done before.

It wasn’t until a while back that I started to realise that I have spent more time feeling shame and anxiousness over my condition; putting myself down and shaming myself over something that I had no control over. I remember sobbing my eyes out over my ‘different’ looking face the first time. I was 13 at the time and now 15, I have mentally become stronger but anyone is going to be conscious at my age if they think they look ‘different’ to everyone else. They tend to shy away or try to completely ignore the problem to avoid talking about it, but in my case I couldn’t get away from it. This time I had been through it before and I almost felt more determined to not get upset that I had Bell’s again and wanted to do everything I possibly could to stay positive but I couldn’t just trick myself to stay positive all the time. Although I did not want to pity myself undoubtedly I was going to feel remorse for the ‘face’ I once had. Most of the time I don’t even think about my palsy, but this time I felt more conscious even though the first time I had Bell’s it was worse. It only takes someone’s stare at me for just a moment to remind me that half my face doesn’t work the way it should. I had made it a routine in the evenings to stand in front of the mirror, trying to contort it different ways. There were some small changes, but to me that didn’t matter, my face wasn’t the same and once again the tears began to fall and once again the psychological impact of having this condition had begun to take its toll. This was despite others telling me I was still ‘beautiful’, or they’d never have noticed there is something wrong with my face, I know most of them genuinely meant it. But my own insecurities stop me from believing them.

I was and still am so lucky to have so many supportive people around me from my parents, teachers and classmates, but I cringed when I had to explain about how and why I looked different from everyone else when I shouldn’t have cared. I came to the realisation that I should have always known. No matter what, everyone is going to look different and you don’t have to be like everyone else in order to look ‘normal’. I drove myself into the ground making myself feel miserable when I had forgot what I was doing when looking in the mirror. I remember one time a woman in her car stared at me when I walked by as I was walking home from school, I know it’s natural to stare but that does not in the slightest make it ok even if my smile may be crooked. Someone with facial paralysis is no different from anyone else. I was still smiling but had made it more of a chore than rather something that is used to express happiness.

Recently, I began to completely change my outlook on Bell’s palsy and now I am not ashamed to show my slightly crooked smile. I laugh and joke more than I ever did before without being afraid that someone is watching my mouth. I’m more open about Bell’s palsy than I ever have been and am not ashamed now to admit that there is something wrong with my smile. Not a day goes by when I don’t consider my face or how Bell’s palsy has affected me physically but also mentally. Now, I have remembered how to smile and do it more than I ever did before. Not because I’m forcing myself because I have to but now it’s because I want to. Bell’s palsy has played a negative yet positive roll in my life. I have learned to accept myself more for who I am than I never thought could be possible. And that is something I will never forget. I may feel remorse for the face that I once had. But it’s ok, because now I have an even better reason to smile than I ever did before.